dive! dive!

Welcome to my new blog: http://leavingmynets.blogspot.com/ If you promise to come visit I promise to get a kitten. I don't know how that benefits you, but I like the idea....

John 21:22

God has a plan for your life. Do you realize that? Sometimes I forget that our lives as Christians all intricately work together in God's kingdom. Think of a clock, and how the movement of one piece allows another piece to move. Maybe, when God asks us to do something, we don't understand how it does any good. But the next day, three years down the road, or in eternity, perhaps it is allowing someone else to do something he couldn't otherwise have done.

It's almost like a chessboard of strategy. If we allow ourselves to be moved by God's hand, He can maneuver others who are allowing themselves to be moved to accomplish His goal. Maybe we won't see it on our trip or with our check or however it is we serve. But it is not for us to need to see everything. We just need to go and do. A friend of mine once said, "We are vessels to be used as the Master calls." God promises to be with us and to go with us. What more do we need to know?

Sometimes I get caught up in what others' callings are, or wanting my calling to be in the same direction as theirs. But then I'm reminded that God has a specific plan for me, for my life alone. What He does with me is not contingent on anyone or anything else. He will move people and things out of the way to take me where He wants me to go. And I don't want to interfere with His plan by clinging to things that are hindering Him from leading me to the place He wants me to be.

"He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food" (Job 36:16). I don't think that "comfort" means I'll be cozy and safe and free of troubles, but that by doing what the Lord calls me to do, I will be at home wherever He is. I can't think of a place more free from restriction or a table more laden with choice food than home, and I want to find that in Jesus. "'Come, follow me,' Jesus said, 'and I will make you fishers of men.' At once they left their nets and followed him" (Matthew 4:19-20).

You are my holiday
You are right in the middle of me
You are my hideaway
You are home
- Shane & Shane

happy Thanksgiving

Mom: "My mom didn't want to have children because she was afraid they would fall under the mark of the Beast."
Pastor Bob: "I think children are the Beast."

What I Want for Christmas

There are several intangible, cliched (yet truthful!) things I would love for Christmas. I would love it if my brothers, sister-in-law, and niece could all be with me and my parents this Christmas. I would love it if no sadness hung over the season, but instead the purest joy, contentment, and maybe - yes, definitely - even happiness. But none of these things are really in my control, and even if I pray for them, God is not a Santa Claus who delivers our desires wrapped in red paper, but a Father who recognizes our needs in light of the big picture that we can't see.

So. What I want for Christmas.

1. A Pilot Dr. Grip gel pen. They're $10, and the one I have used to write in my journal for seven years (that my father gave me for Christmas with the explicit instructions to "use it to write") was stolen by a homeless person over the summer. I guess even little commodities make a big difference in someone's life who owns nothing. Had I known he/she would steal my pen that day, per Jesus' instruction I would have given him/her my two gel ink refills, too. (They're not doing me any good right now.)
2. New shoes. I've only had the ones I usually wear less than two years, but the top layer is peeling off and I can feel a breeze in my foot whenever I take a step forward. I would like to not have to plan what socks I wear depending on whether I care if they get wet from the holes in the bottom of my shoes. (Did I mention the rubber on the bottoms is also worn through?)
3. Axis & Allies. Yes, it's a Risk-like board game where each player participates in World War II. "Control the fate of the world in this incredible game of military strategy, courage, and cunning!" My only hesitancy in owning this game is that no one will want to play it with me.
4. A hand-held mixer. I could really go all-out and tell you I want the green, "country pear"-colored upright Kitchen Aide mixer from Bed, Bath, & Beyond, but it's $400, and that's almost 3-months' salary for a persecuted pastor in China. All I need is a hand-held mixer so that my butter doesn't clump with my brown sugar.
5. A new loofah, Olay vanilla-scented body wash, toothpaste, a new toothbrush, dental floss, and one of those super nice Venus razors. This is the Christmas list of a college student.

conversation around the dinner table

Mom: You know Cheri Keaggy? Is she blind?
Dad: No
Courtney: Yes.
Mom: ‘Cause I saw her on TV and she looked like she was blind.
Dad: Well actually, I don’t know, so why did I say anything?
Courtney: I always thought she was blind.
Dad: That wasn’t Cheri Keaggy.
Mom: Then who was it?
Heather: Why don’t I just look it up?
Dad, Mom, and Courtney continue in conversation.
Heather, watching YouTube: I don’t think she was blind.
Dad: Write on her Facebook wall, “CAN YOU SEE THIS?”
Heather: She’s definitely looking around in this scene.
Dad: Is she swaying side to side or back and forth while she plays?
Heather: Back and forth.
Dad: Yeah, she can see.
Mom: Who was on TV then?
Courtney: I always thought she was blind.
Dad, after looking it up: Ginny Owens.
Mom: Oh, Jenny Owens.
Dad and Heather: GINNY.
Heather: Ginny Owens isn’t blind.
Courtney: Yes she is. What does she sing? “Be thou my vision….”

love

The hardest people to love are the ones that are mean for no reason. The ones who treat you condescendingly, the ones who act like you're imposing on them because they don't like carrots and they wanted a bag instead of a box. The ones who are angry and take it out on you.

The easiest people to love are the ones who are grateful to the point of hugs. The ones who are happy to receive anything they can and understand when you can't do more. The ones with big families, the ones living on the street, the ones who hang around and help sweep the stairs or take out the trash.

Maybe the hardest people to love are also the ones you can't give enough love to. That makes love hard. The family of 10 from Somalia. The 21-year-old single mother with cancer. The children who don't get to experience the carelessness of being a kid.

The funnest ones to love are the ones who are crazy. The two Russian 19-year-old guys hitch-hiking across the US for the summer. The woman whose father was a scientist convicted of Communism and whose mother was royalty refugeed from Spain. The guy who asked me nutrition and exercise advice even though he was living on the street.

I don't always love the people I should. Showing favoritism is a subconscious thing sometimes. Jesus loved them all, the hard ones, the easy ones, the fun ones. He had compassion on the ones I would turn away or get annoyed with. I wished once that Jesus worked in the food pantry, so I could see what compassion in these circumstances looks like. But...I guess...maybe that's what Jesus left us the Holy Spirit for.

because of Bella

Mountains, parks, roses, Swiss chocolates, the homeless, poverty, Mormons, growth, change, bringing the kingdom of God...

none of these are the reason God brought me to Utah for the summer.

I love kittens.

I have decided to become a missionary to the kitty population of Salt Lake City. Bella's coat was groomed and silky, but inside she craved love for who she is, not what she looks like. Larry was thin and scraggly, and when he opened his mouth no sound came out. It broke my heart to see him reduced to such humiliation. Especially since his name was Larry. And he might've been a girl. And we just found out a little calico is missing! What if she's lost or stolen, hungry and cold? Something needs to be done about this injustice! I sacrifice myself to love and cuddle and frolic with neglected or mistreated kitties. Especially ones that purr really loudly and bat at snails with their little white paws.

flights of angels sing thee to thy rest

It's 1:30 in the morning and I am trying really hard to be tired. I can't figure out why I'm not sleeping. I drank a glass of Cranergy (supposedly a cranberry energy drink) before bed, but I didn't think the all-natural energy in a bottle would really have that much affect on me. It must be something else. Like the hives that have appeared the past 7 nights and itch until I take antihistamines to fall asleep. I have no antihistamines. Maybe that's the reason.

What if I've developed an allergy to my teddy bear? That's like developing an allergy to love.

My roommate is softly snoring. People who make noises in their sleep amuse me. I'm glad all I do is giggle and carry on half-lucid conversations in my sleep.

I don't really have anything to say, hence the months of absent posts prior to this. Tomorrow promises to be an exceedingly long and tiring day, and I'll most likely only get about five hours of sleep, if I fall asleep really fast after I post this. Which I most likely won't. But that's just the optimist in me speaking.

I think I would rather spend a blue-sky day in Chicago than eat all the chocolate covered raisins in the world. And that is saying a lot.

Millenium Park

I am now going to make another attempt to sleep. Please do not be alarmed. I am a trained professional.

truths

Everything that goes into a life of pleasing God has been miraculously given to us by getting to know, personally and intimately, the One who invited us to God. The best invitation we ever received! We were also given absolutely terrific promises to pass on to you—your tickets to participation in the life of God after you turned your back on a world corrupted by lust.

So don't lose a minute in building on what you've been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others. With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus. Without these qualities you can't see what's right before you, oblivious that your old sinful life has been wiped off the books.

So, friends, confirm God's invitation to you, his choice of you. Don't put it off; do it now. Do this, and you'll have your life on a firm footing, the streets paved and the way wide open into the eternal kingdom of our Master and Savior, Jesus Christ.

(2 Peter 1:3-11, The Message)

I don't think I fill my ears with enough truths. I think I too often, too readily, too eagerly accept the lies. I don't want to do this anymore. Psalm 119:30a & 32b, "I have chosen the way of truth...you have set my heart free."

The truth: The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. ((Zephaniah 3:17))

BELIEVE IT.

I told you it was false

Classes were canceled for the first time in my 2 1/2 years at college, and I spent the morning (after taking these pictures) drinking Chai tea and reading Ulysses S. Grant's memoirs. It really was as romantic as it sounds.

I would like to see truthful history written. Such history will do full credit to the courage, endurance and soldierly ability of the American citizen, no matter what section of the country he hailed from, or in what ranks he fought. ~ U. S. Grant

false spring

Everyone is skipping today, it seems. It's 60 degrees outside and my window's open. I just wrote a poem about the snowflakes falling not two days ago, and now the sun is shining and the mud is thawing and people are skipping. They're not thinking about the fact that tomorrow it's supposed to be 34 degrees or that it's only January 23rd and we have many more months of winter to go through. But it's okay. Because right now it's spring. I wonder if all of a sudden a bunch of random people will decide to start dating, and then tomorrow they'll break up because the wintry clouds of dissension will rip apart their love affair. Dun, dun, dun!

Why do people have to be mean? Why do they have to say mean things? Here's my challenge for you (and me) this day: Consider other peoples' hearts before you speak. What might not hurt you might hurt them. Even something so little and flippant can be taken to heart if the heart is sensitive. Not everybody needs to hear what you think. Sometimes "being kind" is not saying anything at all. And rewinding your video tapes before returning them to your local library or video store.

I wish I had more time and the means to bake new recipes and knit new patterns and read new (to me) novels. Contrary to popular belief, The Habsburg Monarchy is not interesting. At all. I look forward to the day when I marry someone rich and he faithfully supports me while I cook him meals and knit him socks and dedicate my books to him. Unless he is poor, in which case I will most likely be working in a laundry room for the rest of my life because I already know how to fold fitted sheets. Really well.

Somehow this weather is making me very pessimistic. Maybe 'cause I know it's just kidding. And I don't like to be kidded. (If I had a scowl and a gun I would pull them out right now and look intimidating. Instead all I have is some pink yarn and a class at 3...so I should probably go.)

be it ever so humble

There are some things that the absence of is needed in order to make you realize how much you loved it. My cold feet at night remind me of how warm my heated mattress pad made my flannel sheets. The orange-ish red concoction on the main line makes me realize how delicious Dad's turkey soup was. Waking up to the dark and a piercing alarm reminds me of the slow, sleepy awakenings to dishes clanging in the kitchen and light peeking through the slats in my blinds. Icy pellets from the sky onto sloppy muddy earth only slightly resemble the large flakes landing softly on an already existing blanket of whiteness.

Highlights of Christmas break '08:
+ Hiking through 2 feet of snow, burrowing under fallen logs, getting pushed in the snow by Dad who thought it'd be funny to spear me with his walking pole like Moby Dick.
+ the Christmas Eve service...twice.
+ Watching Band of Brothers in my bed.
+ Shoveling snow the first five times...after that it got tiring.
+ The first 300 pages of Anna Karenina...after that it got tiring.
+ Playing the Andy of Mayberry trivia game and speed scrabble with the fam. (Dad: "Do you spell 'slut' with one 't' or two?")
+ Watching Clint Eastwood movies, war documentaries, and Valkyrie with Dad.
+ Staying in my pajamas all day.
+ Baking peanut butter cookies every time the supply ran out.
+ Venturing by foot into unknown, snowy lands in search of the post office and stumbling into it like a dazed elf sutmbling into a ginger bread house on his way to the North Pole.

I miss Bing Crosby. And this:

Glory to God in the highest!

Sing sweet and low your lullaby
till angels sing, "Amen."
A mother tonight is rocking
A cradle in Bethlehem.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And I celebrate the day
that You were born to die
so I might one day pray for You to save my life.

the eve of our Saviour's birth

I'm sitting in the kitchen surrounded by sugar cookies and gingerbread boys dotted with little red candies. I sit here because through the glass doors in the kitchen I can see the snow falling. I love the snow. What is it about snow that makes me feel such a quiet gladness? What is it about walking through the snow, watching the snow, lying in the snow, that makes me feel such a still happiness? The war movie-watcher in me remembers scenes of battles in the snow, frost bite and gunfire and exploding shells breaking the silence and peace of the snow. The numbness in my fingers and toes while shoveling the driveway gives me just a taste of what those men must have felt, and forces me to respect and admiration and gratefulness. The writer in me tries to document and analyze the feeling I have at the sight of snow. It's always a futile attempt.

Still, still, still one can hear the falling snow. For all is hushed, the world is sleeping; Holy Star is vigil keeping. Still, still, still, one can hear the falling snow.

This year Christmas has been more about Jesus than is has all the years before. The focus hasn't been so much on presents and traditions, since parts of my family are absent and the traditions have sort of shattered and been swept under the rug. So Christmas morning won't be spent waiting at the top of the stairs for Dad to get his camera ready, like the previous 21 years of Christmases. Instead of the bustle of wrapping paper flying and telling Kitty to stop eating the ribbons, I can spend more time thinking about why Christmas even exists. "'The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel'—which means, 'God with us.'"

My anticipatory prayer on the eve of our Savior's birth: O come, o come Immanuel!

"thanks" doesn't even come close

Tonight I sat in the Methodist church downtown Wilmore as a brass band played Christmas carols and ribboned wreaths hung on the walls. I thought of the fact that this was my third year sitting in this church, letting my hands and feet warm after long walks up and down the street, ducking in and out of shops to eat cookies and drink hot chocolate. The last line of Bing Crosby singing "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" came to my mind, and I agreed: Sure, it's Christmas once more.

Afterward, I turned on the Christmas lights in my room and curled up on my couch, listening to my "Solemn Christmas Music" playlist. Mannheim Steamroller's "Still, Still, Still" came on, and I was reminded of what Christmas really is. Buttons and signs in peoples' yards declare "Jesus is the reason for the season!" but how often I forget the solemnity of Christmas.

Still, still, still
tis the eve of our Savior's birth

It reminds me of Psalm 46:10, "Be still, and know that I am God." Still. Jesus commanded the wind and the waves to Quiet! be still, but I think He also commands us to be still. Just be still. Amidst the Christmas carols and traditions and foods and shopping and movies....be still, and know who Jesus is. "'The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel'—which means, 'God with us'" (Matthew 1:23).

I love when the angel appears to the shepherds in Luke 2, and in verses 13-14 it says, "Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.'" I can't imagine being those shepherds when that heavenly host appeared praising God. It reminds me of the heavenly host in Revelation 5:11-12, "Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousands times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders. In a loud voice they sang, 'Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise!'"

I just love that we join in with that. The shepherds joined in with that then, we join in with that now, and when we get to heaven, we will join in with that!

Ding dong merrily on high, in the heaven the bells are ringing
Ding dong merrily the sky is riven with angels singing
Gloria, hosanna in excelsis!
Even so, here below, below, let steeple bell be swungen,
and i-o, i-o, i-o by priest and people sungen!
Gloria, hosanna in excelsis!

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace" (Isaiah 9:6).

an allegory

Once upon a time there lived a young, naive girl who was leaving her family on a long, dangerous adventure. She packed her bags, and as she stepped foot out of her door and into the world, her mother gave her a precious gift. "Use this," she said, "when you most need it." The young girl saw what it was. It had been in the family for many, many years, and by taking it with her, she felt as if a part of her home was with her as she set out on her journey. When she needed it most, it was there to be used, and she felt the warmth of her home with every use.

A few weeks later someone stole it. Moral of the story: I want my iron back. Whoever has it, I will find you, and if it turns out you have my watch, my book light, and my Macy's gloves, I will shoot you in the knees, Die Hard style.

Do you think it's just coincidence that Bruce Willis and Bruce Wayne have such similar names?

get behind me, Satan

I feel like I'm trying to quit smoking and people keep blowing cigarette smoke in my face. I'm not sure if I've ever been this tempted to listen to Christmas music this early in the year. I keep listening to soundtracks from The Family Stone and Little Women in attempts to assuage my needy Christmas spirit. My mom just sent me my favorite cookies (which we always bake at Christmastime) and Holiday Inn (Irving Berlin's debut of "White Christmas" - but it doesn't count as a Christmas movie). I am going to eat and watch and think about how there are only 27 days until Thanksgiving break.

bleat

"...the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes....they exchanged their Glory for something disgraceful....they have deserted the Lord....they are unfaithful to their God....The Israelites are stubborn, like a stubborn heifer. How then can the Lord pasture them like lambs in a meadow?" (Hosea 3:1; 4:7, 10, 12, 16).

I wrote in the margins of my Bible: It is completely the choice of the Israelites to be far from God. God is the one loving them, He is not the one deserting them, He is not the one being unfaithful, He is not the one being stubborn. He wants to pasture them like lambs in a meadow. Look at Isaiah 40:11, "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart." All we have to do is let Him. Do you ever feel like you want to be strong for God? That He's disappointed if you're weak? I do. All the time. But that's not at all what He wants. How can He carry the lamb close to his heart - which is where I want to be - if the lamb keeps kicking and struggling to prove how capable it is? It takes will to be far from God, but surrender to be near Him. I need to be reminded that He actually wants me to be near Him: "But now, this is what the Lord says--he who created you, he who formed you: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine'" (Isaiah 43:1).

Who could love you, desire you, miss you, know you, want you, more than He who created you?

Please forgive me for time that I've wasted
I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take Your promise
Though I know nothing's safe
Oh me of little faith
~ Nickel Creek

musings

It makes me sad that someone stole my iron. My last name is printed in big purple letters down the side, so unless someone else has the same big purple last name as I do and took it by mistake, there is no reason why he should have stolen my iron.

It also makes me sad that the books the library sold in their book sale had "DISCARD" stamped in the inside cover. It's like going to an orphanage and stamping "DISCARD" all over the children. How would you like it blatantly printed across your forehead that you're not wanted?

It makes me happy that this weekend I'm going "home" to see my parents and my friends, the latter of which I haven't seen since May and don't know when I'll see again. Next weekend is Vineyard Community Church's "Vinefest" (with hay rides and tackle football and grilled foods), and the weekend after that is a possible Chicago trip with Leiza. Yay.

It also makes me happy that it's autumn, and I wrote an ode to the way the football field looks when the sun is setting on it and casts shadows to the 30-yard line. Glistening helmets, spiraling pigskins, you look happy to meet me.

The chapel speaker yesterday tried to convince us that a relationship with God is not enough, and we, as humans, need human relationships. I was not pleased as he continuously looked out at the auditorium and stated, "God is not enough!" If that's the case, what kind of God is He, who can't fulfill all our needs with only Himself? Not a god I'd want to serve.

Epitomes of autumn in which I have to this moment participated:
~ Anne of Green Gables
~ homemade apple pie
~ ubiquitous pumpkin
~ the marriage of cinnamon and my senses
~ leaf crunching
~ football
~ season premieres of Pushing Daisies, The Office, and House
~ blue skies smiling at me; nothing but blue skies do I see

Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it,
and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth
seeking the successive autumns. ~ George Elliot

((Not quite as good as my ode to football...but okay nonetheless.))

sometimes nothing's a pretty cool hand

I think it's one of the saddest days in history.























January 26, 1925 - September 26, 2008