Hymn to the Fallen

This morning feels very, very long ago indeed. I went to bed at 12:30 last night, waking 3 hours later to take my parents and brother to the Milwaukee airport, where they flew to Idaho to visit my oldest brother, whom I have seen once for a few hours in the past 3 years. It's been a day to romanticize about, starting with a sunrise through the van windows that I described in my journal as making me feel "touched by God's fingertips just as the clouds were with rays of light. To be such dusky blue and filled with pink and peach and glorious white is a transformation of sheer brilliance, and I marveled at it, both in myself and the sky....God somehow seems nearer in that peaceful transition, the calm before the day begins. I love His nearness."

After leaving my family at the airport, I drove to Bayshore Town Center and parked behind the Cheesecake Factory in anticipation of its opening at 11 a.m. Five hours was a long time to wait, but Milwaukee is almost an hour away and I wanted to take advantage of my being there, for "I shall not pass this way again." (If this blog were a Barnes & Noble Classic, it would have a little asterisk next to that quote and a footnote explaining that it derives from a poem I don't even remember reading, save for that one line. Only B&N would go into more detail than that. Once in Persuasion they defined the word "graceful." Uh, if the reader doesn't know the definition of graceful, he probably shouldn't be reading Jane Austen.)

Speaking of Barnes & Noble, it was about 20 steps down from the Cheesecake Factory, and opened 2 hours earlier! So only to wait from 6 a.m. to 9 a.m., I read my Bible (the boys in Acts amaze me to no end), took a nap in the back of the van with my pillow and blanket (you'd think after 3 hours of sleep I would've slept longer than a half an hour, but I think the radiance from the Factory flowed through my veins), journaled, and emerged from the van at 8:30 to meander around the town center. I browsed Kohl's (it being the only thing open), telling the cashier, "I wasn't going to buy anything, but then I saw how bored you were and thought I better," then turned the corner at 9:03 to enter Barnes & Noble. I wish I could explain the joy that fills my heart upon beholding B&N. My breath caught in my throat when I realized it was two stories. The utter joy.

I sat with my knees and back resting against opposite arms of a cushy chair by a second story window, the morning light streaming onto the floor. A lady sat down next to me, a man a few chairs away, and a pre-teen boy and teenage girl across from me. I could only read a chapter before the high-pitched chatter of the girl on her cell phone drove me to distraction, and I abandoned my relaxation to purchase my items and retreat. (Didn't I sound like Jane Austen just then? What does "relaxation" mean??) I walked out with Barnes & Noble Classics of Howards End (I think E.M. Forster is vast becoming a favorite of mine), Wives and Daughters (I had no intentions of buying Elizabeth Gaskell's unfinished novel [she died before she could finish it], but it was so luscious and pink that I couldn't put it back on the shelf), and Northanger Abbey (Jane Austen, to me, is like those chocolate chip cookies that you don't really like, but you keep eating them anyway, and you never find out why. What does "cookies" mean??). I love "buy 2 get the 3rd free" days at Barnes & Noble.

Trader Joe's was next on my list, where I resisted organic fruit and spinach lasagna and grabbed a bag of whole grain pretzels I first sampled at Annie's apartment in May. I decided to pass on the chocolate covered soybeans, though. Sorry, Annie.

Upon passing Bath & Body Works, from somewhere in the deep cavernous recesses of my mind I pulled the memory of Mrs. Jespersen's hand soap, which I remember loving the smell of over spring break. So I entered the store, not remembering what it was and smelling every bottle I came across until I recognized the scent of Japanese Cherry Blossom. Rubbing it on my hands brought back chocolate cake and singing by the piano and Enchanted and overflowing toilets and tired feet after hours of walking around big, cold, and windy cities. Of course, on the path of finding Cherry Blossom, I also found Plumeria, which was sweet and feminine and summery, and made me think of pink parasols and canoes, for some reason. I couldn't choose between the scent of memories made and the scent of memories to be made, so I resolved to shell out the cabbage for both bottles. Turns out they were on sale (wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles) and I saved a whopping $11. Golly gee whiz Pete cow Sam Hill.

So with my Connecticut in a Bottle and Scent of 1910 (which I affectionately nicknamed them) in tow, I finally entered the Cheesecake Factory. I took my piece of heaven and carefully tucked it into my pre-prepared cooler in the van with the care of buckling a little child into a car seat, and headed for home. I thought about my day, and remembered the tragic sight at 4:15 this morning when we'd pulled out: my dad had stuffed our old G.I. Joe case we've stored our plastic toys in since the womb into the green garbage can at the end of the driveway. I had fretted over its demise, wishing I would've known it was there earlier so I could've saved it to store journals or letters or simply save a box of memories from being tossed into a landfill. So when I remembered it on my drive home, I suddenly became anxious to return home before the garbage men had their way with it. I wondered how the police officer would take it when I explained the reason I was speeding was to dig a wooden case with a G.I. Joe decal on it out of our trash. "Ah," he'd respond, "American heroes." Of course he'd understand. Policemen themselves are American heroes.

Still a ways from my house, I saw that trash cans and bags were still piled at the end of peoples' driveways. I've never been so happy to see garbage before. I wasn't soothed until I had pulled into my driveway and plucked the dusty, worn, half-falling-apart case from its plastic green coffin. I opened it for nostalgia's sake, releasing the scent of Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Spider-Men and G.I. Joes, though it was empty now of all but a few dust balls and cobwebs. I'll clean it off and find something to put in it, and I'll remember the sound and feel of our childhood hands rustling over their plastic action figure bodies with loose joints at the knees and worn paint on their feet and hands, as we searched for the right sword or torch or mask to equip our men. I'm not a pack rat, by any means, but there are some things that should just not be gotten rid of.

However romantic my day has been, I sit here now in an empty house pitying my loneliness. My cheesecake was eaten to a Jimmy Stewart movie, and the cat won't answer my conversation starters. ("Wouldn't it stink if I fell down the stairs? No one would know I was here." "I'm going downstairs. The DVD player won't work." "I will not feed you tuna fish, so don't bother asking.") I guess listening to war movie themes (We Were Soldiers is probably the most depressing) and songs like "Alone Again, Naturally" and "Mr. Lonely" doesn't help my mood much. I don't think I was meant to be alone. And this is only day 1 of 11.

My hands smell like spring break.

29 more days

"Only he who gives thanks for the little things receives the big things...."

When I was eight years old I had a pair of pink jelly shoes with white daisies on the toes. This morning I found out they are back in style. I want a pair; it'd be like walking around in my childhood all summer.

I recognize my priorities, so you can look at my spring break pictures here. They're not as intense as, say, Karissa's pictures, but these give you a taste of the way my mind works. And it's pretty salty.

I have lots of plans for the summer already. I have a list of books to read that grows every day, a list of things to sew that don't seem to hinge on my capabilities (or lack thereof), and a list of moments to cherish, like walks with my dad in the cool cool cool of the evening, or movie nights with my brother, or decorating the house with my mom. I'm going home this weekend and it's supposed to snow. I think God's doing it just for me.

"....How can God entrust great things to one who will not thankfully receive from Him the little things?" - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

The Houses

Do you realize when you stand on his front porch, you're standing where Mark Twain once stood? When you step around the table you're taking the same steps he took, animatedly telling stories to his guests. Dragging your hand along the railing up the stairs in the same path his hand once dragged. This bed was the very bed in which he wrote his autobiography. I could see him leaning over his billiards table, cigar in mouth (he smoked 20 a day!), the very billiards table he leaned against up to 8 hours a day. I could see him sitting at his desk in the corner, away from the windows so he wouldn't get distracted as he wrote. To think that I was looking at the very desk where characters like Tom Sawyer came to his mind made me wonder if perhaps some of his imaginative genius was still floating around above his pool table. I wonder if simply by being in the same room where he imagined, some of his genius could leak in through my ears and eyes, so that I would walk away thinking a little more like Mark Twain.

I stood next to the very desk where Louisa May Alcott penned Little Women. I lightly rested my fingertips on the desk, realizing that her fingertips rested on this desk. I looked out the windows on either side, wondering what she saw instead of the paved road and line of parked cars. As people began filing out of the room, I looked over and saw a picture of Louisa at her desk, writing. I realized I was standing in the exact spot where she was sitting, in front of the same bookshelf that was there in 1868. To be standing exactly where she sat in that picture sucked all of the air out of me. The heart that flowed through a pen to create such beautiful words was beating where my heart was beating. Wow, how cheesy does that sound?
Walking through the rest of the house was like dodging ghosts. Between these walls that I now stood echoed the voices of Nathaniel Hawthorne, Ralph Waldo Emerson, and Henry David Thoreau. Standing in the room where Louisa's oldest sister was married, I felt as though I was spying on their happy and solemn ceremony. I could feel the tearful joy they must have felt at such an occasion! I must sound insanely superstitious, or at least a tad too imaginative. Perhaps it's that part of Mark Twain's brain that came in through my ears.

42 more days

I just looked down and noticed there's jelly on my chair. I wonder how long it's been there? (Rhymes! I smell poetry.) The last time I ate jelly was before spring break. I wonder how long it could remain there? Maybe I'll write a story about a blob of jelly that lives on the rocking part of my chair, and all its grand adventures rocking to and fro...back and forth....The excitement.

I put up a list of some DVDs for sale on the bulletin board in CPO a couple of weeks ago. Somebody thought it was pretty funny to cut off my DVDs so that all my sign said was, "FOR SALE, Heather ext. 5107" Oh, college students are so funny. And I still didn't get any takers!

Please try to incorporate "jot and tittle" into your every day vocabulary. Phrases like that can only brighten someone's day.

Yesterday I went to a luncheon in the Dougherty Room of the cafeteria where Jan Watson, a Christian fiction authoress, spoke about her journey to becoming a writer. There were probably 50 women in the room (and somehow a man), a few being college students but the majority being older women with gray hair and skirts with matching suit jackets. The centerpieces were brightly colored daisies in brightly colored watering cans that made me want to water the world with bright colors, and everything was proper and formal with soup spoons and lap napkins and water goblets. I felt out of place, but tried my best to keep from bumping my table neighbor and keep my elbows off the table.

Before our main course was served, I spied a plate of three crackers just for me. Next to those crackers I saw two blocks of cheese. I didn't want the crackers, so I just picked up a block of cheese and bit into it. It was soft and room temperature. Maybe it was bre. It didn't taste very good. I didn't like bre. A fellow classmate at the end of the table glanced at me as I took a bite, then glanced away as if she didn't want me to know she had glanced at me. I put my cheese back on my cracker plate and elegantly swigged some water from my goblet. (I like the word "elegantly" describing the word "swigged.")

Many minutes later, after seeing a woman spreading her "cheese" on her cracker, I realized that it wasn't cheese at all, but butter. I felt ridiculous next to coffee-drinking elders with names like Ruth and Marianne, while I had a block of butter on my plate with teeth-marks in it. I tried to make a joke of it to let the other women at my table know that I wasn't some savage butter-eating beast. When you think about it, why would our cafeteria serve bre?

Spring break would take all together too long to describe in one sitting, so perhaps I'll make little contributions here and there. Not to be mistaken with contribution margin, which is in fact sales minus variable costs. It looks like this:

S-VC=CM

I have an accounting exam tomorrow. It looks like this:

Heather+Accounting=Brain vessels bursting

Please know I'm wearing my Boston sweatshirt as I write this, which I so eagerly, anticipatedly alluded to in previous entries. Stay tuned for more tidbits from Spring Break '08.........

March fools!

This growing up thing has got to stop. The world is a bitter, bitter place that I was not exposed to under the protective feathers of my parents' wings. I thought stamps just magically appeared from my mom's purse, I didn't know they cost money. Seven bucks for three pairs of underwear, people. Hanes her way, my eye. And laundry detergent does not replenish itself, nor is it cheap. Who knew life cost so much?

I am now employed at the cafeteria. They call my position "pots and pans." I feel very much like Scarlett O'Hara, hiding her once-white and soft hands from Rhett Butler. My hands are dry and cut, my nails are frail and breaking, and by the end of my 3-hour shift my fingers resemble little sausages swollen and wrinkled with water. I have dreams about elbow-length, squeaky yellow rubber gloves. I just keep telling myself I'll be thankful for these pots and pans when I'm sporting a sweatshirt from Boston and walking through Louisa May Alcott's house. My magnet shaped like Mark Twain's head and the bread bowl of authentic New England clam chowder will make the accidental drop of bleach on my jeans and the way my hair smells like it's been fried in oil every Wednesday and Friday all worth while.

A little pick-me-up:
"Life's tough, then you die." ~ Dr. Anderson's fatalistic bumper sticker

Or if that didn't do it: http://youtube.com/watch?v=3LVXjB_VUfk